Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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