Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
