New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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