Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
