Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
