And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
