We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
organizing the empties. That sober.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
