hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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