what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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