WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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