matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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