i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
