I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
