either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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