break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
