I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
