You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
