It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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