i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Randomize
