I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
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