fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
