one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
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