Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Small penises have feelings too.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
this just has baby written all over it
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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