There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
