so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I had to cum in my sink.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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