I feel great
I just peed on a car
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
