Swine flu. Run for my life!
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
