Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize