google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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