new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
