Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
