What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
