Don't make out with my wife yet
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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