you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
