hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
