I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
