ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
