So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
