im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
i drank out of a bidet.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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