Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
