don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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