The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
