Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
People with herpes should wear stickers.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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