Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
