Four minutes until I can fart!
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
