Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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