I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
