wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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