He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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