I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
