I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
