4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Still dying that you shit outside
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
