There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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