peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
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