I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
