if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
