we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
