It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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