Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
