every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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