I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
